To parents/neighbours/brothers/sisters/relations/friends/girlfriends of
Number : ............................ Rank : .............. Name : ..............................................
who will be returning from the border after ........... months away on special duty.

THE FOLLOWING MUST BE STRICTLY COMPLIED WITH :

1. LOCK YOUR DAUGHTERS AWAY
2.FILL YOUR FRIDGE WITH BEER OR ANY OTHER ALCOHOLIC LIQUIDS
3. GET HIS CIVVIES OUT OF MOTHBALLS
4. SWITCH THE RADIO TO A BANTU STATION
5. BUY DOG BISCUITS

Very soon the above-mentioned soldier will once more be in your midst, dehydrated, demoralized, bossies, sand mad, and eager to resume his place in society as a human being, entitled to human liberty and justice while he is engaged in a somewhat delayed pursuit of happiness.

In making your joyous preparations to welcome him back to civilization you must make allowance for the unfavourable environmental situation which has been his lot for the past .......... months.

Therefore show no sign of alarm if he prefers to sit on the floor instead of a chair, always kicks his feet against the steps before entering the house, has a fit at the sight of Bullybeef, trys to buy beer for 65 cents at the cafe, howls at full moon, pulls the ring off a beercan and hurls the can at a passing car when it backfires, has a braai in the lounge, pulls the wings off flies and watches them for hours on end, tries to conceal his beers as he thinks a PF might spot and arrest him for smuggling beers, wears only a pair of underpants and sandals, visits the neighbours or the girl across the street in a towel, screams at anything that reminds him of the army or insults everyone that looks important, even the postman. If you see him trying to bribe a barman at the backdoor of the bar for more beer, just remind him that there is a bottlestore down the road where he can buy beer freely.

Do not worry if he wakes up at midnight and acts strangely - just give him a broom and tell him to patrol the house. But do remember the password when you come home as a broomstick up the jumper is a fearful thing. Ensure that he is properly dressed before going to bed as he may dash out into the garden when the alarm rings in the morning to perform "STAND-TO". By placing the alarm under his pillow or locking the doors, this may be overcome. He may have a tendency to rush to the window at 05h00B in the morning and look for terrorists in the shrubbery. Don't scream at him when he tears up the lace curtains in the lounge for a Mosquito net as he was used to sleeping under one. He will probably try to zip up his blanket when he goes to bed as well.

Make all his purchases for him, gently establishing in his mind that threatening, arguing, and fighting with the shopkeepers is TABOO in civilization. Be warned that he is used to paying 65 cents for a beer and does not drink WATER/COKE/FANTA etc except when mixing with drinks. Under no circumstances may he be served less than one bottle of liquor or a dozen beers at a time. Liquid refreshments should at no time be served in a glass ....

His civilian clothes should not be ironed or well washed. You may find him at a local building site, dressed in a pair of underpants, holding a bundle of washing, arguing with the builder and shouting that it is his turn to use the concrete mixer to do his washing. If you find him grovelling round in the children's sand pit, don't worry, he is only missing the fine white sand of Owamboland (SWA/Namibia) !

His language may be a little embarrassing at first, but in a relatively short time he can be taught to speak normally again. Never ask why the boy down the road has a higher rank than he does, and never make flattering remarks about the Air Force or Navy, or you will have to start the language lesson again.

A close check should be kept on him when he is in female company. Life-size colour pictures of girls are very useful for reminding him of what women look like. He will be fascinated by recordings of the clear tinkling way they talk and by the lack of swear words. Although his intentions may seem dishonourable, they are good and sincere.

When he goes to the movies and laughs at horrible scenes, or throws popcorn at people, or makes funny sounds, just pretend you don't know him and sit somewhere else.

IN GENERAL.

• He will prefer to wash his teeth at the garden tap.
• He will prefer to shave in front of a broken window pane OR not to shave at all.
• Acclimatize him gradually to warm water and baths, to prevent a deep state of shock.
• As his usual vehicle was a BUFFEL, he may want to swop your motorcar for a BUFFEL. If such a vehicle is unobtainable he will pack sandbags on the floor and in the boot of your car.
• If sandbags have been placed in front of the windows and doors of your home, do not be alarmed.
• When going to the airport distract his attention when the aircraft lands or he will jump up and down making unearthly sounds, which after careful listening, will turn out to be the word FLOSSIE.
• Ensure that he gets his SCOPE every week, and don't be surprised if he pastes the centrespread on the lounge wall.
• On Sundays he may have the uncontrollable urge to drive a car to the dam, reverse it into the water up to about boot level and then spend the afternoon jumping off the boot into the water with shouts of wild abandon.
• If there is no dam available, then he will take the mattrass off his bed and tan in the sun.

GOOD LUCK.

Dit is vandag ons voorreg om u to kan meedeel dat u seun eersdags van die grens af terug sal keer. Hy sal 'n paar dae in sy tuis eenheid deurbring om noodsaaklike administrasie af te handel. Daarna sal ons hom huistoe stuur. Ek ag dit ook as my plig om u 'n kort lys van voorsorgmaatreels te stuur wat u asseblief sorgvuldig moet nakom aangesien u seun 'n fase van rehabilitasie moet deur gaan.

Moet asseblief nie harder as 2 desibels met hom praat nie (bossies) en moet hom nie onverwags van agter af op die skouer tik nie (bomskok). Dit sal raadsaam wees om u, en u bure se huishulpe te vra om ten alle tye hulle identifikasie papiere (kopkaart) aan hulle te dra, dit kan probleme met opsluiting in die besemkas (KG-hok) voorkom. Verwyder dadelik alle blikkies kos soos "Fresh Garden Peas" en "Meatballs" uit u kaste en vervang dit met skaapboud, hoender, en soortgelyke disse. Dit is van lewensnoodsaaklike belang dat u seun in hierdie tydperk geen blikkies te siene of te ete kry nie. Verontagsaaming van hierdie wenk kan baie skadelike en selfs permanente gevolge he.

Raai u bure en vriende aan om die eerste paar dae hulle dogter goed weg te steek. Onthou gedurende hierdie proses dat u seun teen die tyd al goed kan spoorsny en selfs reuke kan volg. U sal opmerk dat u seun verkies om buite in die tuin onder 'n tuinslang te stort en in 'n spieelskerfie te skeer. Ignoreer hom, dit sal van self reg kom. Moet nie u bekommer as u seun so teen sononder u huis se heining patroleer, hy noem dit klaarstaan, en vermy alle beweging na 20h00 tot 06h00. Ook hierdie is normaal maar sal ook van self reg kom. Moet hom nie keer as hy tydens motorritte in die motor probeer regop staan of op die bagasiebak sit nie, dit sal ook mettertyd reg kom.

En ten slotte onthou dat onder daardie bruin-verbrande vel 'n hart van goud is en dat hy sy welverdiende rus nodig het en wees lief vir hom. Baie dankie vir u tyd en aandag met hierdie uiters gewigtige saak.

Tot 'n volgende keer.

Die uwe